eighteen.

I have this dream where I go to Paris (or London, or Barcelona, I'm not picky) by myself, maybe, or with someone else, with no agenda at all. I wake up at my leisure, I wander the streets, I sit on a bench just to watch strangers walk by. I try to speak their language, I try their food, I gaze in shop windows. Perhaps I visit the tourist spots, perhaps I don't. I'm not rushed for anything, I've nowhere to be. It's such a beautiful dream that it causes a physical ache in my heart when I think about it.


Sometimes I look at my life and I try to put the clues together. I love words, I love foreign language, I love foreign authors. Pablo Neruda and Paulo Coelho, specifically. Their words speak to my heart. I skimmed a biography on Pablo and found myself in tears. I'm still not sure why. The Alchemist was published the year I was born. This feels important to me. This book about following the path that will lead to your dreams, about recognizing the signs, about putting the clues together. I wish I had faith enough to pour my soul into something I was passionate about and not worry that it was the wrong thing. I always thought I'd be sure of things, and that's how I would know they were right. As I get older, I'm starting to realize I might die without ever having been sure of a single thing.



Why why why? Why did I get into this debt? Why can't I even come close to paying it off? Why does it feel like there's a glass wall between me and my dreams? I can see them, but they're still no more attainable than images behind my computer screen. But all the signs say that if they are my dreams, I can reach them. There is a way. I need to take risks, but I don't even know what risks to take. The Bible says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord chooses his steps" (proverbs 16:9). The same thing I've been hearing all along. Look for the signs, they are there, but I can't see them. Is this all crazy talk? Am I disillusioning myself to believe that my ridiculous dreams are possible? Am I completely naive? Or am I a warrior of the light? Will my ultimate happiness come from doing what others said I could not? What I thought I could not?

I really wish I knew.