thirty nine.

It's been about ten days now since I posted my list, and I already notice that I have much more of a drive to accomplish things! By having my list items all laid out in front of me I was able to take a closer look at what it's going to take to accomplish them. Some of my list items, like #9 (get a degree), are very straightforward while others are actually different goals in disguise. For example, by accomplishing #2 (finish a themed 5k), what I'll actually be getting out of it is being in-shape and healthy enough to run at least that distance. That's a moment I really look forward to, and that I refuse to live my whole life without experiencing, but before I can just sign up and start running I'm going to need to do some serious getting-in-shape.

Along the same lines, the hidden goal that feels most important to me is to start making more money. In order to reach a few of my list goals, most specifically #11 (get out of debt!), I'm going to need to be making enough money, not just to get by, but also to pay down my debt and start saving for future ventures. I've spent my morning looking online for jobs and my brain is already completely fried. I just can't comprehend how an intelligent, moral, well-rounded adult is unqualified for anything and everything that isn't serving food. I mean, I get that beggars can't be choosers, but beggars can be introverts with weak oral communication skills who are much better suited for office cubicle jobs and who just happen not to have a college degree. I mean, is that really so hard to believe?! It seems like in order to get out of debt I need to make more money, for which I need a degree, for which I need more money. It appears to be a difficult cycle that I'm stuck in but I truly believe that where there's a will there's a way, and as a twenty-something who's not seen enough of the world to know better, I've got all the will in the world!

On a more successful note, I haven't found dead ends on all of the list items I've been working on! Though I don't have anything to cross off yet I have made plenty of progress! I found this great site for finally learning to read the tarot. It may look incredibly sketchy but it's free, online, and really easy to understand which are all requirements for me to learn anything right now! I've also watched a few YouTube instructional videos on French braiding, and tried for a little while, but with my hair the length and thickness that it is my arms nearly fell off after only a few minutes. I think that as soon as I get a haircut I'm going to start practicing like crazy! Maybe it'll be a good arm workout? Who knows?! And last but certainly not least, this very entry is one more step toward maintaining a serious and somewhat interesting blog, which I will hopefully be able to continue updating with my successes and failures along this road of accomplishments I'm headed down!

thirty eight.

Before I die, I want to..

1. Take an archery lesson.
2. Finish a themed 5k or half marathon.
3. Take a siesta in Spain.
4. Update a blog regularly.
5. Become fluent in a second language.
6. Learn to read tarot cards.
7. Visit Emirates Stadium.
8. Live in London.
9. Get a degree.
10. Marry the man of my dreams.
11. Be completely debt free.
12. Visit platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross.
13. Go to the olympics.
14. Learn to french braid my own hair.
15. Solve a rubik's cube without cheating.

thirty seven.

I have been struggling to find some direction in life, and all of the most trusted sources I've come across are saying that the number one thing about being happy is that you have to want something. Like, really really want it. Seriously. And the force behind that wanting is what you use to carry yourself toward the dream, and once you are on that path you will already be living a better life. Now, that is some beautiful imagery and some pretty sound advice, and it sounds so easy! Just want something and you can have it! But here is my problem with this simple formula: I don't want anything!

Okay, that can't possibly be true. Let's reassess. I want plenty of things. I want to eat tacos and take a nap like, at least 98% of the time. I want to leave work early. I want to not wear pants. I want to snuggle my cats and read books and occasionally take a long car ride and stare out the window, but none of these things are dreams or goals! Perhaps it's because I'm almost cripplingly introverted, or perhaps I am actually laziness personified, but none of my wants are the aching, yearning, life-altering type that these life advisers seem to suggest that all people have.

According to The Buried Life boys, the first thing you need to do is really think about it. Ask yourself what you would do if anything was possible. So I gave been, and once I got past the fact that most of my desires are actually fueled by laziness and complacency, I realized that the thing I want most of all right now is to figure out what I really want! Oh, what a tangled web we weave! Then, as if that weren't harsh enough, I looked back at the very first entry in this very blog and found this quote:

"If you want to know what a person's story is about, just ask them what they want. If we don't want anything, we are living boring stories, and if we want a Roomba vacuum cleaner, we are living stupid stories." - Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years
It's like I'm scolding myself from a past life! So right now, my main focus needs to be focusing. I need to stop and look around and really get down to the heart of things. I used to know how to want things, and it's time to let that out again. I am going to work on a list, and I will post it here, because I think looking at my dreams as a grocery list and not as faraway things in my mind that are still blurred around the edges will make them seem that much more attainable already. Nobody looks at their grocery list and thinks "Broccoli?! There's no way I'm going to be able to get broccoli at the food store!" And so I shall make it with my dreams.

"Live in London? Yes, I think that's just over in aisle five next to the jars of great success.."

thirty two.

Longing

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth,
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say, My love why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.


Matthew Arnold

thirty one.

Just finished reading The Night Circus by Erin Morganstern. It was absolutely enchanting and I feel like I don't want to leave my bed yet because I want to hold on to the feeling for a while longer before I forget it. This book was absolutely made for people like me; dreamers, who live half in the real world and half in the one inside their own head. I have spent most of my life wishing that some grand adventure would come sweep me away, and this book did that if only for the few days it took me to read. I don't think I'll reread it too soon because, as a wise man once said, "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live". Still, I feel I will be waiting for the circus to arrive without warning in every empty field, and I may start wearing a red scarf now and again.

twenty-four seven.

No, not really. Just twenty-four actually. My mind is so distracted right now that it will be hard to give this entry any structure but I will try to remain sensical (oh I've lost it already!)

I have recently been watching a lot (a lot a lot a lot) of YouTube videos by people my own age of various genders and nationalities and it has ignited in me the spark to create. Mostly it has sparked a fierce jealousy that these creative people have such a wonderful outlet for their thoughts and ideas, and I started to wonder why I never got into YouTube-ing (vlogging, I believe they call it.) However, the further into this idea I thought, the more I realized that there are many very good reasons that I am not a vlogger.

Sparing you the details, I will skip straight to the point: speech is not my medium of choice. I love words, but they need to be printed and structured and not just spewing out of my stupid face with sound effects and bad outtakes. My creative outlet has been here all along! I've just not been using it!

All of that being said, here's a picture of my stupid face serving to both add some depth to this entry and to help you picture these stupid words coming out of it right at you:

NO ONE WANTS THAT! So, in closing, I'm going to make another entry directly after this one and it's going to be much better. The end.

twenty two.

I am frustrated. Somewhere past the excitement of choosing a new path comes the reality of what it will take to travel that path, and that is where I am now. I cannot for the life of me figure out how I managed to go so long without ever contemplating my future at all, and in that process how I managed to screw myself over so thoroughly.

I did really try in high school. I will give myself that. My dreams of going straight to a four year school lasted well into my senior year, so at least in that department I did alright. I don't know why I'm beating myself up now over not being smarter. There's really nothing you can do about that, except work with what you've got. I've always been the dumbest out of the smart kids. The worst of the best. I've always preferred that to being the best of the worst. Still, I don't find any comfort in it. I just want to be the best at something, sometime, once. Just to know what it's like.

I remember at some point thinking "this decision is going to screw you if you ever want to go back to school" and I also remember responding to myself with "I do not ever want to go back to school." I am so fucking stupid. I literally cannot tame the self-hate I am feeling in retrospect. The fact that I was miserably depressed at the time does not play into account. I am ashamed of myself for not being able to just push through and get my associates. Community college. What a joke. Even after all I've been through, all of the opportunities and time I've wasted, I still think I'm better than community college. I'm not. And I have no degree to show for my arrogance. I have nothing to show for anything, and I am ashamed.

I know there's no point to these feelings. They're not getting me anywhere, they serve no purpose but to bring me down, and yet here they are. I guess this is just a look into my brain. This is what goes on in there. It's a constant struggle of man vs. self. I expect more, I know I am capable of more, and yet here I sit doing absolutely nothing to achieve more. I don't understand.