twenty two.

I am frustrated. Somewhere past the excitement of choosing a new path comes the reality of what it will take to travel that path, and that is where I am now. I cannot for the life of me figure out how I managed to go so long without ever contemplating my future at all, and in that process how I managed to screw myself over so thoroughly.

I did really try in high school. I will give myself that. My dreams of going straight to a four year school lasted well into my senior year, so at least in that department I did alright. I don't know why I'm beating myself up now over not being smarter. There's really nothing you can do about that, except work with what you've got. I've always been the dumbest out of the smart kids. The worst of the best. I've always preferred that to being the best of the worst. Still, I don't find any comfort in it. I just want to be the best at something, sometime, once. Just to know what it's like.

I remember at some point thinking "this decision is going to screw you if you ever want to go back to school" and I also remember responding to myself with "I do not ever want to go back to school." I am so fucking stupid. I literally cannot tame the self-hate I am feeling in retrospect. The fact that I was miserably depressed at the time does not play into account. I am ashamed of myself for not being able to just push through and get my associates. Community college. What a joke. Even after all I've been through, all of the opportunities and time I've wasted, I still think I'm better than community college. I'm not. And I have no degree to show for my arrogance. I have nothing to show for anything, and I am ashamed.

I know there's no point to these feelings. They're not getting me anywhere, they serve no purpose but to bring me down, and yet here they are. I guess this is just a look into my brain. This is what goes on in there. It's a constant struggle of man vs. self. I expect more, I know I am capable of more, and yet here I sit doing absolutely nothing to achieve more. I don't understand.