thirty seven.

I have been struggling to find some direction in life, and all of the most trusted sources I've come across are saying that the number one thing about being happy is that you have to want something. Like, really really want it. Seriously. And the force behind that wanting is what you use to carry yourself toward the dream, and once you are on that path you will already be living a better life. Now, that is some beautiful imagery and some pretty sound advice, and it sounds so easy! Just want something and you can have it! But here is my problem with this simple formula: I don't want anything!

Okay, that can't possibly be true. Let's reassess. I want plenty of things. I want to eat tacos and take a nap like, at least 98% of the time. I want to leave work early. I want to not wear pants. I want to snuggle my cats and read books and occasionally take a long car ride and stare out the window, but none of these things are dreams or goals! Perhaps it's because I'm almost cripplingly introverted, or perhaps I am actually laziness personified, but none of my wants are the aching, yearning, life-altering type that these life advisers seem to suggest that all people have.

According to The Buried Life boys, the first thing you need to do is really think about it. Ask yourself what you would do if anything was possible. So I gave been, and once I got past the fact that most of my desires are actually fueled by laziness and complacency, I realized that the thing I want most of all right now is to figure out what I really want! Oh, what a tangled web we weave! Then, as if that weren't harsh enough, I looked back at the very first entry in this very blog and found this quote:

"If you want to know what a person's story is about, just ask them what they want. If we don't want anything, we are living boring stories, and if we want a Roomba vacuum cleaner, we are living stupid stories." - Donald Miller, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years
It's like I'm scolding myself from a past life! So right now, my main focus needs to be focusing. I need to stop and look around and really get down to the heart of things. I used to know how to want things, and it's time to let that out again. I am going to work on a list, and I will post it here, because I think looking at my dreams as a grocery list and not as faraway things in my mind that are still blurred around the edges will make them seem that much more attainable already. Nobody looks at their grocery list and thinks "Broccoli?! There's no way I'm going to be able to get broccoli at the food store!" And so I shall make it with my dreams.

"Live in London? Yes, I think that's just over in aisle five next to the jars of great success.."